To the so-called 'gangstas', hoodlums and hoons of Melbourne,
1. You live in Australia; a country in which it is illegal to peel out ANYWHERE and it's easier to get a date with the Queen than it is to get a gun - you are not a gangsta.
2. That shaved head and rat-tail of which you're so blatantly proud? Australia is the only country in the world where people think that's even remotely cool. The rest of the world thinks you look like an idiot, including me.
3. Skinny jeans that only come to the bottom of your buttcheeks are even more stupid-looking than baggy jeans that rest at a similar level.
4. I shouldn't even have to tell you this but gangstas don't wear skinny jeans.
5. You cannot be a gangsta on a skateboard - have you never heard of the Crips and Bloods?
6. I am NOT your baby - stay the eff away from me before I judo chop your ass.
Brandi L. Buzzard